setting her goals

so I went out to the church this past Thursday, I used to go every Thursday and most Sundays but now a days I only go once in a while.

I went wearing my new boots, my new top that two friends had designed and constructed out of rubber, and had my hawk up, backcombed to make it floofy (yes floofy is a legitimate adjective).

when I get there I spy my friend Christin sitting at one of the booths, so I walk over to say hi. She has two friends with her, one female, sitting next to her, and one male, standing across from her on the opposite side of the table. So I say hi, and she says she misses me, and that she absolutely loves my outfit. The guy then starts showering me with compliments, and how "badass" my hair is, and then.... he turns to the two females sitting down and says...

"this is what you ought to stive to be"


I was so horrified I almost slapped him, but contained my self since he was Christin's friend.

How dare you.

HOW DARE YOU! How dare you tell them what they ought to be
how dare you tell them that they ought to be anything! How dare you question the legitimacy of their being. How dare you think that what they are is an attempt at anything, and not simply what they are.

How dare you make me the role model. Role Model, something that I have despised and refuted since the first project in kindergarten, since the first teacher told me that I HAD to write about my "role model" since I first timidly explained that I had no role models to my teacher and that I did not think role models where good things.

HOW DARE YOU make me that. How dare you make me the enemy. How dare you make me their competition.

And what's worse if they did, if they did in fact aspire to be me, if they then succeeded in doing so, then they would HATE you. you would never get a word of sympathy, and you would be SOL on ever even dreaming of getting laid.

And I wanted to say it so badly, I wanted so badly to simply look that dumb, assumptive, self entitled Fuck in the eyes and say, "if they shrived to be me, you'd be a very lonely person." and simply walk away.




Too often have I experienced other symptoms of this inner conflict in males that they experience (in my opinion) as result of not seeing femininity as equal to their masculinity, but still desiring it in their life:

They (my male friends and acquaintances) observe me as being a female, but have trouble placing me in a gender category, and usually see what they observe as my masculinity as being something they can relate to. So, they see me as their buddy, as "one of the guys" as a friend. However, I am female, and by no means lack that what they would label as femininity, (in fact I am quite performative, especially if I can piss some one off doing it) and soon enough they also observe that and see me in the light of a Female that they can relate to. In other words: The dream girl they didn't know they wanted.

Now as egotistical as this sounds of me think about it for a second, its not that I am that great, its simply a matter of my mix if what they assumed to be my gender that sets me in the perfect light:

Some one of the opposite sex (which most of the populous is looking for), who acts in a way similar to themselves, which means they can relate much easier to said person than some one who is of opposite sex, and who they see as of opposite gender as well. What more could you ask for, some one you are physically attracted to and who you can mentally relate to, its so simple!

Now this makes me wonder, just how disconnected have we become when a semi-dyke seems to be a male's subconscious dream girl?

And I have a nagging feeling the same goes for females, imagine a feminine guy, who a girl could relate to, but who is of the sex she is attracted to: metro sexual.

Since we are on the subject of how I perceive the world to see me in regards to gender, lets look at the female side of it too.

from what I have experienced, this is generally what happens: a female will meet me and be extremely skeptical of me (males do the same since they can't quite place me, but females are more cautious about this, and I think its harder for them to place themselves in relation to me since society gives females so much shit wit this in general, never mind when it comes to this). They then sloooowly relax around em and start seeing me in similar light as what many (usually hetero sexual) women would see a gay male friend as. They see me as they're more masculine then themselves friend, but who are still on the same level as they in relation to the hetero-male run world.

Then they realize (and this has become MUCH more prevalent since I started getting with Turk, as I used to only date women prior to him) oh shit, this person in still female, and therefore still competition (unlike the gay male friend) and they some how experience some sort of feeling of betrayal I think ( just my assumptions, but I've seen this happen so often) and all of the sudden I am treated as a traitor, or as a complete outsider, or flat out as competition that needs to be stomped out.

But female competition, (particularly in the heterosexual realms) is a subject for another time. Its a monster all its own.


so in conclusion. idono, fuck gender typing, fuck gender inequality, fuck sexual inequality. Fuck having to have broken so many of my male friends hearts because I was the best friend who could never be more. Fuck being seen as the competition. Fuck being made the role model, the competition. and fuck not being able to just be seen as Riki.