So, in my last semester here at utd (i think?) I have decided to add a minor: Gender Studies.
I'd been thinking about it for a while, because although I am concentrating on theater in my art and performance degree, I only do theatre because I don't hate it. Because I generally get along with the people there in (atleast the technical people, not so much on performers), and I could do it every day and not hate my life. BUT, it is by no means my passion. what are my passions: Art, I love sculpting, I LOVE reacting (set design hence). What else is my passion, I HATE hate more than I have a size fornt to express HATE our social structure in teh sense of ... well honestly in most senses, but particularly in that I am not a human being, in that I am not seens as having a valid opinion ( my room mate says this on a regular basis to me when we get into arguements and he simply doesnt feel like making an actual point, and would rather just pull a "well your opinion isnt valid")
Male domonation doesnt begin to describe this. female submission and opression doesnt begin to describe it. Male entitlement does nto begin to describe it. in fact I cannot help feel that the exact reason this is such a big issue to me is that there is nothing to decribe it, or atleast nothing I can find. its so deeply ingrained in us that we simply don't see it, that we don;t even realize there is something to see. It is not an aspect of our society, it is not a part of our society, it IS our society.
And since this is my passion, in a much more negative way than art, why not?
Now then, why didn't I realize this sooner? frankly I did, but I couldn't help but think: "well, I get thrown into regular bouts of depression because of these realizations. I avoid society like the plague to blind myself to it because frankly I simply cannot deal with it on a regular basis, so why would I want to study something that will damn near surely result in a bullet to the brain?"
well lately I have come to another realization: I can't bild myself to it. its there, and I have to deal with it, no matter how alone it makes me feel. whats more, would it rather not be better to have teh vocab and the ability to word this prolem rather than to just sit here and hate life for it?
I recently had both my husband and a close friend with in the span of a week ask me " why isnt your major gender studies" after having an extensive conversation with them. So I figured i needed to atleast look into it, and surprisingly, I would only need one extra class next semester.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
setting her goals
so I went out to the church this past Thursday, I used to go every Thursday and most Sundays but now a days I only go once in a while.
I went wearing my new boots, my new top that two friends had designed and constructed out of rubber, and had my hawk up, backcombed to make it floofy (yes floofy is a legitimate adjective).
when I get there I spy my friend Christin sitting at one of the booths, so I walk over to say hi. She has two friends with her, one female, sitting next to her, and one male, standing across from her on the opposite side of the table. So I say hi, and she says she misses me, and that she absolutely loves my outfit. The guy then starts showering me with compliments, and how "badass" my hair is, and then.... he turns to the two females sitting down and says...
"this is what you ought to stive to be"
I was so horrified I almost slapped him, but contained my self since he was Christin's friend.
How dare you.
HOW DARE YOU! How dare you tell them what they ought to be
how dare you tell them that they ought to be anything! How dare you question the legitimacy of their being. How dare you think that what they are is an attempt at anything, and not simply what they are.
How dare you make me the role model. Role Model, something that I have despised and refuted since the first project in kindergarten, since the first teacher told me that I HAD to write about my "role model" since I first timidly explained that I had no role models to my teacher and that I did not think role models where good things.
HOW DARE YOU make me that. How dare you make me the enemy. How dare you make me their competition.
And what's worse if they did, if they did in fact aspire to be me, if they then succeeded in doing so, then they would HATE you. you would never get a word of sympathy, and you would be SOL on ever even dreaming of getting laid.
And I wanted to say it so badly, I wanted so badly to simply look that dumb, assumptive, self entitled Fuck in the eyes and say, "if they shrived to be me, you'd be a very lonely person." and simply walk away.
Too often have I experienced other symptoms of this inner conflict in males that they experience (in my opinion) as result of not seeing femininity as equal to their masculinity, but still desiring it in their life:
They (my male friends and acquaintances) observe me as being a female, but have trouble placing me in a gender category, and usually see what they observe as my masculinity as being something they can relate to. So, they see me as their buddy, as "one of the guys" as a friend. However, I am female, and by no means lack that what they would label as femininity, (in fact I am quite performative, especially if I can piss some one off doing it) and soon enough they also observe that and see me in the light of a Female that they can relate to. In other words: The dream girl they didn't know they wanted.
Now as egotistical as this sounds of me think about it for a second, its not that I am that great, its simply a matter of my mix if what they assumed to be my gender that sets me in the perfect light:
Some one of the opposite sex (which most of the populous is looking for), who acts in a way similar to themselves, which means they can relate much easier to said person than some one who is of opposite sex, and who they see as of opposite gender as well. What more could you ask for, some one you are physically attracted to and who you can mentally relate to, its so simple!
Now this makes me wonder, just how disconnected have we become when a semi-dyke seems to be a male's subconscious dream girl?
And I have a nagging feeling the same goes for females, imagine a feminine guy, who a girl could relate to, but who is of the sex she is attracted to: metro sexual.
Since we are on the subject of how I perceive the world to see me in regards to gender, lets look at the female side of it too.
from what I have experienced, this is generally what happens: a female will meet me and be extremely skeptical of me (males do the same since they can't quite place me, but females are more cautious about this, and I think its harder for them to place themselves in relation to me since society gives females so much shit wit this in general, never mind when it comes to this). They then sloooowly relax around em and start seeing me in similar light as what many (usually hetero sexual) women would see a gay male friend as. They see me as they're more masculine then themselves friend, but who are still on the same level as they in relation to the hetero-male run world.
Then they realize (and this has become MUCH more prevalent since I started getting with Turk, as I used to only date women prior to him) oh shit, this person in still female, and therefore still competition (unlike the gay male friend) and they some how experience some sort of feeling of betrayal I think ( just my assumptions, but I've seen this happen so often) and all of the sudden I am treated as a traitor, or as a complete outsider, or flat out as competition that needs to be stomped out.
But female competition, (particularly in the heterosexual realms) is a subject for another time. Its a monster all its own.
so in conclusion. idono, fuck gender typing, fuck gender inequality, fuck sexual inequality. Fuck having to have broken so many of my male friends hearts because I was the best friend who could never be more. Fuck being seen as the competition. Fuck being made the role model, the competition. and fuck not being able to just be seen as Riki.
I went wearing my new boots, my new top that two friends had designed and constructed out of rubber, and had my hawk up, backcombed to make it floofy (yes floofy is a legitimate adjective).
when I get there I spy my friend Christin sitting at one of the booths, so I walk over to say hi. She has two friends with her, one female, sitting next to her, and one male, standing across from her on the opposite side of the table. So I say hi, and she says she misses me, and that she absolutely loves my outfit. The guy then starts showering me with compliments, and how "badass" my hair is, and then.... he turns to the two females sitting down and says...
"this is what you ought to stive to be"
I was so horrified I almost slapped him, but contained my self since he was Christin's friend.
How dare you.
HOW DARE YOU! How dare you tell them what they ought to be
how dare you tell them that they ought to be anything! How dare you question the legitimacy of their being. How dare you think that what they are is an attempt at anything, and not simply what they are.
How dare you make me the role model. Role Model, something that I have despised and refuted since the first project in kindergarten, since the first teacher told me that I HAD to write about my "role model" since I first timidly explained that I had no role models to my teacher and that I did not think role models where good things.
HOW DARE YOU make me that. How dare you make me the enemy. How dare you make me their competition.
And what's worse if they did, if they did in fact aspire to be me, if they then succeeded in doing so, then they would HATE you. you would never get a word of sympathy, and you would be SOL on ever even dreaming of getting laid.
And I wanted to say it so badly, I wanted so badly to simply look that dumb, assumptive, self entitled Fuck in the eyes and say, "if they shrived to be me, you'd be a very lonely person." and simply walk away.
Too often have I experienced other symptoms of this inner conflict in males that they experience (in my opinion) as result of not seeing femininity as equal to their masculinity, but still desiring it in their life:
They (my male friends and acquaintances) observe me as being a female, but have trouble placing me in a gender category, and usually see what they observe as my masculinity as being something they can relate to. So, they see me as their buddy, as "one of the guys" as a friend. However, I am female, and by no means lack that what they would label as femininity, (in fact I am quite performative, especially if I can piss some one off doing it) and soon enough they also observe that and see me in the light of a Female that they can relate to. In other words: The dream girl they didn't know they wanted.
Now as egotistical as this sounds of me think about it for a second, its not that I am that great, its simply a matter of my mix if what they assumed to be my gender that sets me in the perfect light:
Some one of the opposite sex (which most of the populous is looking for), who acts in a way similar to themselves, which means they can relate much easier to said person than some one who is of opposite sex, and who they see as of opposite gender as well. What more could you ask for, some one you are physically attracted to and who you can mentally relate to, its so simple!
Now this makes me wonder, just how disconnected have we become when a semi-dyke seems to be a male's subconscious dream girl?
And I have a nagging feeling the same goes for females, imagine a feminine guy, who a girl could relate to, but who is of the sex she is attracted to: metro sexual.
Since we are on the subject of how I perceive the world to see me in regards to gender, lets look at the female side of it too.
from what I have experienced, this is generally what happens: a female will meet me and be extremely skeptical of me (males do the same since they can't quite place me, but females are more cautious about this, and I think its harder for them to place themselves in relation to me since society gives females so much shit wit this in general, never mind when it comes to this). They then sloooowly relax around em and start seeing me in similar light as what many (usually hetero sexual) women would see a gay male friend as. They see me as they're more masculine then themselves friend, but who are still on the same level as they in relation to the hetero-male run world.
Then they realize (and this has become MUCH more prevalent since I started getting with Turk, as I used to only date women prior to him) oh shit, this person in still female, and therefore still competition (unlike the gay male friend) and they some how experience some sort of feeling of betrayal I think ( just my assumptions, but I've seen this happen so often) and all of the sudden I am treated as a traitor, or as a complete outsider, or flat out as competition that needs to be stomped out.
But female competition, (particularly in the heterosexual realms) is a subject for another time. Its a monster all its own.
so in conclusion. idono, fuck gender typing, fuck gender inequality, fuck sexual inequality. Fuck having to have broken so many of my male friends hearts because I was the best friend who could never be more. Fuck being seen as the competition. Fuck being made the role model, the competition. and fuck not being able to just be seen as Riki.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I can only hope
that this is a joke:
Some how, I have a feeling its not. I remember in middles school seeing girls with that little emblem on their shirts, earrings, bags, etc.
I remember it thoroughly disturbing me. I remember asking one girl politely why she wore it. And I remember that the answer was so mind numbing that I blocked it from memory till I saw this cake: "because it means I'm sexy"
Now what exactly does this statement mean?
does the emblem make you sexually attractive? obviously not, no amount of any symbol can manically make you physically pretty/attractive/sexy.
Does the symbol indicate you consider your self sexy? I suppose so. But what it really means is that you are sexually available. Now don't get me wrong, I am all about having a healthy sexual apatite, and I realize that happens at different times for different people (I couldn't imagine wanting to make my self sexually available in 7th grade.) But saying I am a sexual being vs. I am sexually available for a sexual being are two different things.
What she meant to say was, this: "because it makes me available for sexual use of another.
Once again, being sexually wanted isn't wrong, but wanting to allow some one to use you for their sexual desires rather than expressing your own sexual desires, especially at such a young age, well that frightens me.
but now you have to think.... how many symbols are there that say "i am sexual" for a female, rather than emblems and indicators of " I am yours to use sexually"?
frankly I can't think of any.
This means this poor girl not only didn't know better than to find a way to express her own sexuality rather than her male peers sexuality, but she really didn't have much other options. There is no pop-culture emblem that says "I am sexual" for females, only ones like this that say , I am here for your sexuality.
But getting back to the 6 year old's cake..... *shudders*
at least the girl in middles school, although horribly misguided, chose to wear this emblem. This little 6 year old had no choice. Her parents placed this on her cake. Her parents have already decided for her that she is not entitled to her sexuality, but whats more that is is suppose to be for the sexual use of others.
once again, I can hope that it was just a joke.... seems liek a joke one of my friends might play too...
Some how, I have a feeling its not. I remember in middles school seeing girls with that little emblem on their shirts, earrings, bags, etc.
I remember it thoroughly disturbing me. I remember asking one girl politely why she wore it. And I remember that the answer was so mind numbing that I blocked it from memory till I saw this cake: "because it means I'm sexy"
Now what exactly does this statement mean?
does the emblem make you sexually attractive? obviously not, no amount of any symbol can manically make you physically pretty/attractive/sexy.
Does the symbol indicate you consider your self sexy? I suppose so. But what it really means is that you are sexually available. Now don't get me wrong, I am all about having a healthy sexual apatite, and I realize that happens at different times for different people (I couldn't imagine wanting to make my self sexually available in 7th grade.) But saying I am a sexual being vs. I am sexually available for a sexual being are two different things.
What she meant to say was, this: "because it makes me available for sexual use of another.
Once again, being sexually wanted isn't wrong, but wanting to allow some one to use you for their sexual desires rather than expressing your own sexual desires, especially at such a young age, well that frightens me.
but now you have to think.... how many symbols are there that say "i am sexual" for a female, rather than emblems and indicators of " I am yours to use sexually"?
frankly I can't think of any.
This means this poor girl not only didn't know better than to find a way to express her own sexuality rather than her male peers sexuality, but she really didn't have much other options. There is no pop-culture emblem that says "I am sexual" for females, only ones like this that say , I am here for your sexuality.
But getting back to the 6 year old's cake..... *shudders*
at least the girl in middles school, although horribly misguided, chose to wear this emblem. This little 6 year old had no choice. Her parents placed this on her cake. Her parents have already decided for her that she is not entitled to her sexuality, but whats more that is is suppose to be for the sexual use of others.
once again, I can hope that it was just a joke.... seems liek a joke one of my friends might play too...
Sunday, October 18, 2009
mah new boots
no I did not get the ones I need to live, but I did get these:
one is my birthday present and one is my Christmas present.
I am excited as piss about these. you will all see them soon. more than you want to I promise.
they will be incorporated with my Halloween costume as well which you should expect to see at least one in the last week of oktober!
one is my birthday present and one is my Christmas present.
I am excited as piss about these. you will all see them soon. more than you want to I promise.
they will be incorporated with my Halloween costume as well which you should expect to see at least one in the last week of oktober!
Friday, October 16, 2009
my hick tastic day
so the same day that we watched that documentary in class about the gender ids presented in music videos, the following happened, nothing big, but still.
So me and my friend Lerin went to party city to find the base for the wings we were making for my haloween costume (don't worry I fully intend on wearing this to class some time soon) and it was rather full, full of idiot people making allot of noise.
Apparently two guys started following us around and "wooping" at us and such. I didn't notice at all, because A) the place was full of noisy people any way, so I didn't notice two more of them, or that their noise was directed at us. and B) I get things yelled at me (mostly for my attire I believe) quite often, so I have grown to completely block it out.
Now it is very possible that they were doing it more for our attire/ appearance (she dresses more ...alternatively than I, and I was wearing pretty interesting things myself)in Fact I'm sure had we just been two chick in "normal" clothes they woudn't have noticed us at all. BUT had we been two guys wearing the same things were were wearing.... I some how doubt they would have done what they did. they might still have tried to harass us, but not in the manner they were.
I can say that I am thoroughly pleased that I did not notice them, because quite frankly there would have been much violence, and possibly me getting my ass dragged off to jail for breaking a minors face (they seemed like high school kids). I was already thuroughly riled up from 1) the documentary ( I teared up from disgust and hatred when we watched that) 2) having been stuck in traffic for 2 and a half hours on a trip that ought to have taken me one hour MAX. and 3) within the span of less than a minute two mustang driving fucktards (is that redundant? I think so) not only cut me off, but nearly ran straight into me.
some times being oblivious saves you.
So me and my friend Lerin went to party city to find the base for the wings we were making for my haloween costume (don't worry I fully intend on wearing this to class some time soon) and it was rather full, full of idiot people making allot of noise.
Apparently two guys started following us around and "wooping" at us and such. I didn't notice at all, because A) the place was full of noisy people any way, so I didn't notice two more of them, or that their noise was directed at us. and B) I get things yelled at me (mostly for my attire I believe) quite often, so I have grown to completely block it out.
Now it is very possible that they were doing it more for our attire/ appearance (she dresses more ...alternatively than I, and I was wearing pretty interesting things myself)in Fact I'm sure had we just been two chick in "normal" clothes they woudn't have noticed us at all. BUT had we been two guys wearing the same things were were wearing.... I some how doubt they would have done what they did. they might still have tried to harass us, but not in the manner they were.
I can say that I am thoroughly pleased that I did not notice them, because quite frankly there would have been much violence, and possibly me getting my ass dragged off to jail for breaking a minors face (they seemed like high school kids). I was already thuroughly riled up from 1) the documentary ( I teared up from disgust and hatred when we watched that) 2) having been stuck in traffic for 2 and a half hours on a trip that ought to have taken me one hour MAX. and 3) within the span of less than a minute two mustang driving fucktards (is that redundant? I think so) not only cut me off, but nearly ran straight into me.
some times being oblivious saves you.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
MLP Family?
This is suppose to be a My Little Pony Family set that was just released by hasbro.... It might just be me, but it kinda looks like something is missing....I just can't quite put my finger on it... one mom, One kid.....
Yeah, no Dad.
well lets look at what else MLP is releasing this year...
A mommy pony with a baby pony going shopping.....
Do I really even need to say anything at this point?
Hasbro: Little Ponies are Little girls
Ponies should be single moms, take their baby with them when they go fulfill their gender role and go grocery shopping, and whats more they need to like it.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Material girl in a material world
I discovered these this weekend:
I think I may need them to live. I have succumb to the spectacle of platform boots for a while now, but these by far are my favorites.
But at nearly half a grand, I suppose I will just have to lead an incomplete life, or possibly sell some part of what remains of that soul thing that seems to be so popular these days.
now if you think those are rediculous, look at these:
you know there's something wrong if even I think something is overboard.
I think I may need them to live. I have succumb to the spectacle of platform boots for a while now, but these by far are my favorites.
But at nearly half a grand, I suppose I will just have to lead an incomplete life, or possibly sell some part of what remains of that soul thing that seems to be so popular these days.
now if you think those are rediculous, look at these:
you know there's something wrong if even I think something is overboard.
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